The High Road to Harm: Rethinking "Being the Bigger Person"
We've all heard the advice, likely dispensed during a moment of frustration or injustice: "Just be the bigger person." It's presented as the pinnacle of maturity, a way to rise above, maintain dignity, and perhaps even teach the other party a lesson in grace. Taking the high road sounds noble, peaceful, even evolved.
And sometimes, it is. In minor disagreements, misunderstandings with well-intentioned people, or situations where de-escalation clearly benefits everyone, choosing not to react defensively can be a sign of emotional intelligence.
But there's a dangerous blind spot in universally applying this advice. The concept of "being the bigger person" often relies on an unspoken assumption: that the other party involved operates with a baseline level of respect, empathy, or capacity for self-reflection.
Here's the hard truth: Extending this courtesy to the wrong person isn't maturity; it's an invitation for exploitation.
When you consistently "take the high road" with someone who is manipulative, narcissistic, chronically unreasonable, or abusive, they don't see your restraint as strength. They see it as weakness. They see it as permission.
Your willingness to let things slide becomes their green light to push boundaries further.
Your calm response in the face of their aggression is interpreted as you accepting their behaviour.
Your efforts to understand their perspective (when they refuse to see yours) reinforces their self-centeredness.
Your choice not to call out unacceptable actions actively enables those actions to continue.
In these dynamics, "being the bigger person" translates to silencing yourself, absorbing unfairness, and often, internalizing blame or shame that isn't yours to carry. This isn't maturity; it's self-abandonment disguised as virtue. It can pave the way for patterns of disrespect, emotional manipulation, and outright abuse. You end up feeling small, unheard, and resentful, precisely the opposite of what taking the "high road" promises.
True maturity in conflict isn't about passively absorbing mistreatment. It involves discernment. It means recognizing when dialogue is possible and when it's futile. It includes setting firm boundaries, protecting your emotional and mental well-being, and understanding that sometimes the most mature action is to state your truth clearly, refuse to engage further, or even walk away entirely.
So, the next time you're urged to "be the bigger person," pause. Assess the situation and the individual involved. Is this a moment for grace and de-escalation, or is it a situation where your "maturity" will be weaponized against you? Sometimes, the truly mature and self-respecting choice isn't to be "bigger," but to be clear, firm, and unwilling to participate in your own mistreatment. Your well-being matters more than upholding a potentially harmful ideal.
And if all else fails…go ahead, be a little “PWP” petty when pushed…keeping it real.
XOXO – Dr. A